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For many of my twenties, I assumed being “low-maintenance” was a praise. It meant I used to be likable, agreeable, and easy-going. In courting, particularly, I believed my job was to be chosen—to make myself engaging to another person. That was lengthy earlier than I even requested the extra essential query: Did I truly like them?
As I’ve stepped into extra intentional dating, that mindset has unraveled. It hasn’t been straightforward—studying what I worth in others (and what instantly provides me the ick) has been each difficult and revelatory. However redefining and proudly owning my so-called “high-maintenance” qualities has taught me one thing essential: being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily troublesome. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips under them.
Featured picture from our interview with Iskra Lawrence by Michelle Nash.
Why I’m Embracing Excessive-Upkeep (And You Ought to Too)
I’m embracing high-maintenance as a way of life with larger readability and care. To me, it means prioritizing what feels good, refining what I would like, and honoring my boundaries with out apology. As a result of after I cease performing for different folks and begin claiming what I truly need, life feels much less like compromise and extra like alignment.
So right here’s my case for wanting extra. No more noise, extra stuff, or extra distraction—however extra intention, extra magnificence, extra of what brings me pleasure. And sure, I’ll fortunately name that high-maintenance.
Being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily troublesome. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips under them.
Redefining Excessive-Upkeep
Someplace alongside the best way, “high-maintenance” turned shorthand for an excessive amount of. Too emotional, too opinionated, too explicit. It’s a label that’s usually used to shrink ladies, particularly those that know what they need and aren’t afraid to say it. For years, I resisted it. I assumed that being easy-going made me extra lovable, that preserving my preferences quiet was the well mannered—and proper—factor to do.
However I’ve discovered that being “low-maintenance” on the expense of your self isn’t easy. Truly? It’s exhausting. You spend your vitality attempting to anticipate what’s going to make others comfy as a substitute of asking what’s going to make you fulfilled. That type of self-erasure would possibly look calm on the floor, however beneath, it’s a quiet betrayal of your wants.
So I’ve began to reclaim the time period. To me, embracing high-maintenance means residing intentionally. It’s about selecting what provides worth, refusing what doesn’t, and displaying up to your life with discernment. Whether or not it’s in relationships, routines, or the best way you embellish your own home, it’s a apply of self-respect. It says: I care sufficient about myself—and the folks in my life—to be clear about what I would like.
Boundaries as an Act of Care
For thus lengthy, I mistook flexibility for kindness. I assumed saying sure—to plans I didn’t have the vitality for, to individuals who didn’t meet me midway—made me beneficiant. However actually, it simply made me depleted. If you’re used to being low-maintenance, boundaries can really feel like a menace to your likability. The reality is, they’re the inspiration of significant connection.
On this new period of courting, I’ve come to comprehend how a lot of my chill woman persona was constructed on quiet self-abandonment. I didn’t wish to appear demanding, so I accepted lower than I wanted. However boundaries aren’t obstacles—they’re invites. They create area for relationships which are rooted in honesty and mutual respect, as a substitute of quiet resentment.
And bounds don’t simply belong in relationships. They’re important in how we spend our time, how we work, and even how we relaxation. Embracing high-maintenance means noticing the place you’ve been working on empty and deciding you gained’t dwell there anymore. It’s much less about saying no to others and extra about saying sure to your self.
Curating Your Excessive-Upkeep Mindset
If redefining high-maintenance begins internally—with self-awareness and bounds—then curating it’s how we carry that consciousness into our each day lives. It’s not about complication or extra. It’s about studying what makes you’re feeling grounded, cared for, and alive—and selecting to create space for it.
For me, it’s the rituals that flip bizarre moments into one thing sacred. It’s splurging on the moisturizer I exploit each evening as a result of it makes me pause and breathe. It’s setting the table, even after I’m eating solo. It’s selecting quiet over fixed stimulation, solitude over pressured connection.
This mindset extends past self-care as nicely. It’s in how we gown, embellish, and design our days. Perhaps it’s enhancing your closet to incorporate solely the items you really love, lighting a candle earlier than your morning journaling session, or strolling to your favourite espresso store as a substitute of speeding by a drive-thru. These small, deliberate acts remind us that care and wonder can coexist with practicality.
Do this: Take stock of 1 space of your life—your routine, your area, or your relationships—and ask: Does this really feel like me? If the reply isn’t any, what would make it really feel extra aligned? Typically, it’s not about including one thing new, however eradicating what not serves you.
Permission to Need Extra
For thus lengthy, I believed that wanting extra made me ungrateful. I assumed contentment meant staying quiet with what I had, that ambition and appreciation couldn’t coexist. The reality is, we are able to maintain each: we are able to love our lives deeply whereas nonetheless envisioning what’s subsequent.
Embracing high-maintenance has helped me see that want isn’t one thing to downplay. It’s a compass. The issues we wish—connection, creativity, magnificence—aren’t indicators of greed or vainness. They’re alerts of the place we’re being referred to as to develop.
After we cease apologizing for wanting extra, we begin residing from a spot of growth somewhat than worry.
There’s energy in naming what you need, even when it feels daring or a bit uncomfortable. If you honor your wishes, you’re not chasing perfection—you’re saying, I’m definitely worth the effort it takes to dwell a life that feels true to me.
Do this: Take into consideration one space of your life the place you’ve been settling—your work, your relationships, your routines. What would “extra” appear like there? What’s one small motion you possibly can take this week to maneuver nearer to it?
Dwelling With Intention
The older I get, the extra I understand that ease doesn’t come from doing much less—it comes from doing what’s aligned. Dwelling with intention means making peace with the hassle required to construct a life that feels good. It’s not about comfort or management, however care.
Being high-maintenance, in the best way I’ve come to outline it, is actually about self-respect. It’s the selection to concentrate to how we spend our time, what we carry into our houses, who we permit shut, and the way we present up for ourselves. It’s realizing that when one thing requires your vitality, it must also return it.
That’s the quiet great thing about this period I’m entering into: all the pieces in my life, from the folks I like to the merchandise I exploit, is right here as a result of I’ve chosen it. Not as a result of it’s straightforward, or anticipated, or universally favored, however as a result of it displays what issues to me.
Do this: Go searching your life and spot what feels easy and what feels draining. What would it not appear like to edit your days with the identical care you carry to your favourite rituals?
A New Period
For thus lengthy, I equated high-maintenance with being an excessive amount of. Too explicit, too opinionated, too conscious of what I wished. However realizing what you need is a energy. It means you’ve executed the work to take heed to your self.
That is the period I’m claiming: one outlined by discernment, by depth, and by the idea that my wants will not be burdens—they’re invites. To decide on what feels aligned, to let go of what doesn’t, and to maintain shaping a life that looks like my very own.
As a result of perhaps high-maintenance was by no means the issue. Perhaps the actual upkeep was the act of self-abandonment—of diluting who we’re to make others comfy. The reality: I’m not concerned with that type of ease.
